No...perhaps. But, the walls...there were various other faces we recognized. You could've, at that point - but I was trying to get ahead, to resist against that feeling. That was in my head.
I had forgotten why...we needed to move forward. For a while.
[ Blade pauses again, and then gazing off into the distance, before looking back at her. ]
That's when the flesh-like foundations tried to stop me when I rushed ahead. It came out from the ground, but I pushed past it. [ He knows he can be stubborn, but it's in that moment he realized he could still be pretty persistent. ] At the same time, the seed was sending out pulses, that made us all question if we should keep going. Always...some form of mental attack.
Then, Mizuki was temporarily under some thrall, and I had to deal with her. While I was occupied with her, Anise and Metis went to the seed.
Blade blinks slowly at that. He isn't generous or kind enough to bestow immediate compliments on the others. Yet he feels his performance, in comparison to them, was far more inadequate. But he looks at her, and thinks upon those words said in earnest. ]
Towards the end...I...
[ The words Kafka said to him, combined with the others replay in his head, alongside the memory of that intense agony in that place. An eternity, an eternity, an et- ]
[ The strange thing is that he does want to talk about it. Not in its entirety, but at least some part of it because it's driving him half-mad on top of everything. ]
...Towards the end, in that one last final assault against all of us; there were words, spoken by 'people' we know, into our minds. Twisted. Targeted. More agonizing than before. I suspect the others were granted words as well, but I imagine that they were aimed to try to shatter our spirit.
In the grand scheme of things, perhaps it matters little now that the mission is completed. Whatever the case, that is all.
[ With that, he just ends up sighing. He's exhausted. ]
[ Yuri goes to get a small wet wipe to clean the blood off Blade's clothes... if he has any. She has gloves on, so she's doing her best to not share rust pain. ]
There's no shame in admitting it. That's what they were trying to do, after all.
... It broke mine when Alex told me that it wasn't wrong for her to want to live back then too.
[ Blade startles at the question. Not the cleaning, because he hardly moves when she does that. Since he's still in the random suit, she will notice that the blood is probably still like...a lot of places; healed up but did not have time change/wash up yet. Blood can be seen on the center of his chest, most of his back (if she like checks), arms, most of his legs (hell even his feet were not spared injury.) ]
No shame...?
[ For a moment, he recalls again the memory of that agony that nearly killed him, but Yuri's confiding words about Alex finally gives him the edge for the final push. ]
...You too, then. Mine...
Kafka's voice was there, with the two others. They all asked if I remembered...the feeling of death. Telling me constantly to remember. Or if I would forget...once more. I would never know the release of An Eternity. A question about what it felt like to die.
It was maddening...this continuing talk about An Eternity and myself experiencing it. Those questions. Those statements.
...I've always wanted to die...ever since becoming how I am now.
[ Blade's gaze is distant as he speaks, staring out as he is wiped clean of blood. Why is she doing that? Why? Why did anyone help him?
...Why did he try so hard to move forward, in that place? He could have let it all end there and give up. There were so many dangers. He kept resisting to the end. Even when it made him look pathetic. He didn't care about where he died, about having that choice. But...
Blade... why is it that you fight? Out of necessity? But you normally don't get to die. Then what is the point of fighting? And yet, you want to die at the same time.
[ Yuri is still working on wiping him clean. ]
... I think it's true that you want to die, but you want to die on your own terms. So, until then... you'll keep living until you find it.
[ It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. He's not the same. It's different for him. He doesn't care! He doesn't care!
The voices...they're still there. They won't disperse. He feels himself tremble. He wants to laugh. He wants to cry. He wants to scream.
The mental agony feels unbearable for a single moment so that he can't do any of those things. ]
...Not here. I don't want to.....not here.
[ Maybe Yuri is right. The admission that he gives burns like how he remembered the hole in his chest had. As if he has any right to choose where he wants to die. It's fine, it doesn't matter anymore. He's used to being taken apart, broken, humiliated, scorned, even by himself. The pain that follows will drown out this inconvenience. ]
Rust be damned. Yuri has clothes on that covers all of her except her head, so she stops wiping the blood off for the moment and hugs Blade very tightly despite how much he trembles. She's also prepared for backlash for her actions. ]
... Just like me, you also have the right to choose.
[ Blade doesn't lash out at her, letting her hug him; the sensation strange and foreign, like the blurring of his gaze in front of him. Even in his patchwork memories, he never has let anyone done that to him, he's sure. Finally, he just breaks down, the weight of everything that's happened being too much to do otherwise.
He remembers once someone asking if he was a broken blade. Yes...that's what he is. ]
I'll...
[ Blade's eyes squeeze shut. Don't let anyone take that away from you.
It sounds like an order. But it's more of a plea, isn't it? He can't summon up the strength to respond. He feels himself slump a bit, eyes still closed, letting himself be held instead for a little longer. ]
[ She keeps Blade in the hug and gently pats his back in a place where he isn't wounded (hopefully). It's a new side of Blade that Yuri gets to see, and she knows that she should treat it very seriously. This is important to him—it's his life. She stays like this as long as Blade wants to. ]
[ His back is actually a bit of a minefield, because he definitely got messed up there pretty bad (me like about to downplay it but no Blade had a real bad time), but towards the top might be easier for her to manage, right at shoulder level, where there should be some leeway.
Anyway, Blade will let her stay like this for even a bit more longer because he doubts he'll experience this type of thing again, and even be in a space to...welcome it, as it were. Not to mention, he's trying to regain his general sensibilities.
But after a bit, he will raise his one gloved hand to rest against her clothed back for a moment, to return it just with one hand, before letting it drop. ]
...You didn't need to do that.
[ He doesn't sound angry, because he isn't. Far from it. He won't forget the kindness. ]
[ Blade thought he might even feel embarrassed about it. But, he doesn't. It's a lie to say he feels fully settled; though now he feels...different. He can't put a word on it. Just, not terrible, maybe? ]
I will not forget what you have done.
I know that I also can't...occupy your time forever like this. I imagine you have other places to be.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ She doesn't sound particularly surprised, but... ]
With maggots and an apple? Did you stab the eye?
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I had forgotten why...we needed to move forward. For a while.
[ Blade pauses again, and then gazing off into the distance, before looking back at her. ]
That's when the flesh-like foundations tried to stop me when I rushed ahead. It came out from the ground, but I pushed past it. [ He knows he can be stubborn, but it's in that moment he realized he could still be pretty persistent. ] At the same time, the seed was sending out pulses, that made us all question if we should keep going. Always...some form of mental attack.
Then, Mizuki was temporarily under some thrall, and I had to deal with her. While I was occupied with her, Anise and Metis went to the seed.
...As for the eye, I did not get the chance.
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... You did all you could. Good work, Blade.
[ She smiles a little. ]
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Blade blinks slowly at that. He isn't generous or kind enough to bestow immediate compliments on the others. Yet he feels his performance, in comparison to them, was far more inadequate. But he looks at her, and thinks upon those words said in earnest. ]
Towards the end...I...
[ The words Kafka said to him, combined with the others replay in his head, alongside the memory of that intense agony in that place. An eternity, an eternity, an et- ]
...No, nevermind.
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[ Yuri looks concerned at him. Of course there would be more, but she doesn't want to push it if he really doesn't want to talk about it. ]
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...Towards the end, in that one last final assault against all of us; there were words, spoken by 'people' we know, into our minds. Twisted. Targeted. More agonizing than before. I suspect the others were granted words as well, but I imagine that they were aimed to try to shatter our spirit.
In the grand scheme of things, perhaps it matters little now that the mission is completed. Whatever the case, that is all.
[ With that, he just ends up sighing. He's exhausted. ]
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[ Yuri goes to get a small wet wipe to clean the blood off Blade's clothes... if he has any. She has gloves on, so she's doing her best to not share rust pain. ]
There's no shame in admitting it. That's what they were trying to do, after all.
... It broke mine when Alex told me that it wasn't wrong for her to want to live back then too.
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No shame...?
[ For a moment, he recalls again the memory of that agony that nearly killed him, but Yuri's confiding words about Alex finally gives him the edge for the final push. ]
...You too, then. Mine...
Kafka's voice was there, with the two others. They all asked if I remembered...the feeling of death. Telling me constantly to remember. Or if I would forget...once more. I would never know the release of An Eternity. A question about what it felt like to die.
It was maddening...this continuing talk about An Eternity and myself experiencing it. Those questions. Those statements.
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Just how much do you want to die, Blade? And how much do you want to live?
cw: suicidal ideation
[ Blade's gaze is distant as he speaks, staring out as he is wiped clean of blood. Why is she doing that? Why? Why did anyone help him?
...Why did he try so hard to move forward, in that place? He could have let it all end there and give up. There were so many dangers. He kept resisting to the end. Even when it made him look pathetic. He didn't care about where he died, about having that choice. But...
...at the second question, he struggles. ]
But...I...
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[ Yuri is still working on wiping him clean. ]
... I think it's true that you want to die, but you want to die on your own terms. So, until then... you'll keep living until you find it.
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[ It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. He's not the same. It's different for him. He doesn't care! He doesn't care!
The voices...they're still there. They won't disperse. He feels himself tremble. He wants to laugh. He wants to cry. He wants to scream.
The mental agony feels unbearable for a single moment so that he can't do any of those things. ]
...Not here. I don't want to.....not here.
[ Maybe Yuri is right. The admission that he gives burns like how he remembered the hole in his chest had. As if he has any right to choose where he wants to die. It's fine, it doesn't matter anymore. He's used to being taken apart, broken, humiliated, scorned, even by himself. The pain that follows will drown out this inconvenience. ]
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Rust be damned. Yuri has clothes on that covers all of her except her head, so she stops wiping the blood off for the moment and hugs Blade very tightly despite how much he trembles. She's also prepared for backlash for her actions. ]
... Just like me, you also have the right to choose.
[ She says very quietly. ]
So... don't let anyone take that away from you.
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[ Blade doesn't lash out at her, letting her hug him; the sensation strange and foreign, like the blurring of his gaze in front of him. Even in his patchwork memories, he never has let anyone done that to him, he's sure. Finally, he just breaks down, the weight of everything that's happened being too much to do otherwise.
He remembers once someone asking if he was a broken blade. Yes...that's what he is. ]
I'll...
[ Blade's eyes squeeze shut. Don't let anyone take that away from you.
It sounds like an order. But it's more of a plea, isn't it? He can't summon up the strength to respond. He feels himself slump a bit, eyes still closed, letting himself be held instead for a little longer. ]
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Anyway, Blade will let her stay like this for even a bit more longer because he doubts he'll experience this type of thing again, and even be in a space to...welcome it, as it were. Not to mention, he's trying to regain his general sensibilities.
But after a bit, he will raise his one gloved hand to rest against her clothed back for a moment, to return it just with one hand, before letting it drop. ]
...You didn't need to do that.
[ He doesn't sound angry, because he isn't. Far from it. He won't forget the kindness. ]
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[ So she gave him a hug. ]
... I hope that helped you feel better.
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[ Blade thought he might even feel embarrassed about it. But, he doesn't. It's a lie to say he feels fully settled; though now he feels...different. He can't put a word on it. Just, not terrible, maybe? ]
I will not forget what you have done.
I know that I also can't...occupy your time forever like this. I imagine you have other places to be.
[ He pulls back even further, looking at her. ]
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[ Yuri holds out her hands to him. ]
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[ Blade reaches out to take a hold of what is offered to him, and begins to slowly, but carefully rise. ]
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thanks for completing threads with me lum ]