He bangs on the pod lid, after being point blank unconscious. Someone actually gave a shit about him enough to bring him here?! Blade is more surprised at that more than anything.
(Yes he is emotionally stupid and does not know people care about him but that is because he's bad with those. A Blade problem.) ]
Yuri hears the banging on the pod lid and looks down at Blade, frowning, and then shaking her head. She'll let him out eventually, but she just looks at him like show her proof that your wounds are fucked up as when she brought you here. ]
[ Blade sits down. That seems to work for him better because unfortunately he also has wounds on his back that are healing up. Me like he got really mcfucked up here. ]
Metis had us go into that place. We were supposed to rescue hostages...
[ Blade trails off, staring blankly into space. He'll need to be prodded. ]
[ The hand is there...she's real. Not like the others. Not a monster wearing her face, or voice.
It's strange, he thinks he never would have allowed that at the beginning of all this, but now...well.
Blade seems to calm down a bit there, looking at Yuri a bit more, his focus sharpening just a little, though it still is unfortunately off. ]
The place...attacked us.
With its foundations, the vines. The vines came from the Core—the seed. They had said originally, we needed to destroy the Core of that place, in order to stop everything.
There were also monsters in our way. At times, they also reflected their voices, in order to stop us. There were other voices, as well, used to try to stop us—to soothe us. To try to get us to give in and surrender to it. And, there was...this giant eye...
No...perhaps. But, the walls...there were various other faces we recognized. You could've, at that point - but I was trying to get ahead, to resist against that feeling. That was in my head.
I had forgotten why...we needed to move forward. For a while.
[ Blade pauses again, and then gazing off into the distance, before looking back at her. ]
That's when the flesh-like foundations tried to stop me when I rushed ahead. It came out from the ground, but I pushed past it. [ He knows he can be stubborn, but it's in that moment he realized he could still be pretty persistent. ] At the same time, the seed was sending out pulses, that made us all question if we should keep going. Always...some form of mental attack.
Then, Mizuki was temporarily under some thrall, and I had to deal with her. While I was occupied with her, Anise and Metis went to the seed.
Blade blinks slowly at that. He isn't generous or kind enough to bestow immediate compliments on the others. Yet he feels his performance, in comparison to them, was far more inadequate. But he looks at her, and thinks upon those words said in earnest. ]
Towards the end...I...
[ The words Kafka said to him, combined with the others replay in his head, alongside the memory of that intense agony in that place. An eternity, an eternity, an et- ]
[ The strange thing is that he does want to talk about it. Not in its entirety, but at least some part of it because it's driving him half-mad on top of everything. ]
...Towards the end, in that one last final assault against all of us; there were words, spoken by 'people' we know, into our minds. Twisted. Targeted. More agonizing than before. I suspect the others were granted words as well, but I imagine that they were aimed to try to shatter our spirit.
In the grand scheme of things, perhaps it matters little now that the mission is completed. Whatever the case, that is all.
[ With that, he just ends up sighing. He's exhausted. ]
[ Yuri goes to get a small wet wipe to clean the blood off Blade's clothes... if he has any. She has gloves on, so she's doing her best to not share rust pain. ]
There's no shame in admitting it. That's what they were trying to do, after all.
... It broke mine when Alex told me that it wasn't wrong for her to want to live back then too.
[ Blade startles at the question. Not the cleaning, because he hardly moves when she does that. Since he's still in the random suit, she will notice that the blood is probably still like...a lot of places; healed up but did not have time change/wash up yet. Blood can be seen on the center of his chest, most of his back (if she like checks), arms, most of his legs (hell even his feet were not spared injury.) ]
No shame...?
[ For a moment, he recalls again the memory of that agony that nearly killed him, but Yuri's confiding words about Alex finally gives him the edge for the final push. ]
...You too, then. Mine...
Kafka's voice was there, with the two others. They all asked if I remembered...the feeling of death. Telling me constantly to remember. Or if I would forget...once more. I would never know the release of An Eternity. A question about what it felt like to die.
It was maddening...this continuing talk about An Eternity and myself experiencing it. Those questions. Those statements.
...I've always wanted to die...ever since becoming how I am now.
[ Blade's gaze is distant as he speaks, staring out as he is wiped clean of blood. Why is she doing that? Why? Why did anyone help him?
...Why did he try so hard to move forward, in that place? He could have let it all end there and give up. There were so many dangers. He kept resisting to the end. Even when it made him look pathetic. He didn't care about where he died, about having that choice. But...
Blade... why is it that you fight? Out of necessity? But you normally don't get to die. Then what is the point of fighting? And yet, you want to die at the same time.
[ Yuri is still working on wiping him clean. ]
... I think it's true that you want to die, but you want to die on your own terms. So, until then... you'll keep living until you find it.
[ It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. He's not the same. It's different for him. He doesn't care! He doesn't care!
The voices...they're still there. They won't disperse. He feels himself tremble. He wants to laugh. He wants to cry. He wants to scream.
The mental agony feels unbearable for a single moment so that he can't do any of those things. ]
...Not here. I don't want to.....not here.
[ Maybe Yuri is right. The admission that he gives burns like how he remembered the hole in his chest had. As if he has any right to choose where he wants to die. It's fine, it doesn't matter anymore. He's used to being taken apart, broken, humiliated, scorned, even by himself. The pain that follows will drown out this inconvenience. ]
Rust be damned. Yuri has clothes on that covers all of her except her head, so she stops wiping the blood off for the moment and hugs Blade very tightly despite how much he trembles. She's also prepared for backlash for her actions. ]
... Just like me, you also have the right to choose.
[ Blade doesn't lash out at her, letting her hug him; the sensation strange and foreign, like the blurring of his gaze in front of him. Even in his patchwork memories, he never has let anyone done that to him, he's sure. Finally, he just breaks down, the weight of everything that's happened being too much to do otherwise.
He remembers once someone asking if he was a broken blade. Yes...that's what he is. ]
I'll...
[ Blade's eyes squeeze shut. Don't let anyone take that away from you.
It sounds like an order. But it's more of a plea, isn't it? He can't summon up the strength to respond. He feels himself slump a bit, eyes still closed, letting himself be held instead for a little longer. ]
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He bangs on the pod lid, after being point blank unconscious. Someone actually gave a shit about him enough to bring him here?! Blade is more surprised at that more than anything.
(Yes he is emotionally stupid and does not know people care about him but that is because he's bad with those. A Blade problem.) ]
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Yuri hears the banging on the pod lid and looks down at Blade, frowning, and then shaking her head. She'll let him out eventually, but she just looks at him like show her proof that your wounds are fucked up as when she brought you here. ]
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Blade stays in the pod for a couple more hours, then.
...he'll look at her to see if she will let him out once those couple of hours pass. ]
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Yuri finally lets Blade out of the pod, but will make sure the medbay doors stay closed and will get in the way if he tries to escape the room. ]
You can take a short break out of the pod, Blade. I know it's cramped in there to stay for too long at once. I'll help you get over to the cot.
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In fact he probably tries but stops once Yuri blocks him. Why is he like this... ]
...You would know.
[ He says simply. Then he looks at his hands, uneven smile spreading across his lips. ]
I couldn't save them. It was far easier to kill them instead. But, it wasn't like they were real anyway.
Not with the enemy there.
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[ Anyway, she is forcibly leading Blade over to the cot. He can sit or lie down. Whichever doesn't hurt him more. ]
So what happened?
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[ Blade sits down. That seems to work for him better because unfortunately he also has wounds on his back that are healing up. Me like he got really mcfucked up here. ]
Metis had us go into that place. We were supposed to rescue hostages...
[ Blade trails off, staring blankly into space. He'll need to be prodded. ]
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You had to rescue fake hostages? Were they anyone you knew? It sounded like you knew them.
[ Also, Yuri is wearing gloves. She doesn't want to be affected by rust pain sharing right now. ]
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Yes, that's right. No. He said that they were hostages associated with the Eudora. But, I...I knew them. No, we all did.
Dan Feng...no, Dan Heng...but no, he wasn't a hostage. He just lead the way and disappeared inexplicably, until the end, when we...
[ There was a pause, as if he's trying to pull things together. ]
We saw others. Dahut, Charles, Rodya, and then...I heard her. Kafka, at the end, with the two others. But, in the end, we couldn't rescue them, and...
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[ She has gloves on, so it'll be less effective, but she gently puts a hand on his shoulder. ]
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It's strange, he thinks he never would have allowed that at the beginning of all this, but now...well.
Blade seems to calm down a bit there, looking at Yuri a bit more, his focus sharpening just a little, though it still is unfortunately off. ]
The place...attacked us.
With its foundations, the vines. The vines came from the Core—the seed. They had said originally, we needed to destroy the Core of that place, in order to stop everything.
There were also monsters in our way. At times, they also reflected their voices, in order to stop us. There were other voices, as well, used to try to stop us—to soothe us. To try to get us to give in and surrender to it. And, there was...this giant eye...
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[ She doesn't sound particularly surprised, but... ]
With maggots and an apple? Did you stab the eye?
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I had forgotten why...we needed to move forward. For a while.
[ Blade pauses again, and then gazing off into the distance, before looking back at her. ]
That's when the flesh-like foundations tried to stop me when I rushed ahead. It came out from the ground, but I pushed past it. [ He knows he can be stubborn, but it's in that moment he realized he could still be pretty persistent. ] At the same time, the seed was sending out pulses, that made us all question if we should keep going. Always...some form of mental attack.
Then, Mizuki was temporarily under some thrall, and I had to deal with her. While I was occupied with her, Anise and Metis went to the seed.
...As for the eye, I did not get the chance.
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... You did all you could. Good work, Blade.
[ She smiles a little. ]
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Blade blinks slowly at that. He isn't generous or kind enough to bestow immediate compliments on the others. Yet he feels his performance, in comparison to them, was far more inadequate. But he looks at her, and thinks upon those words said in earnest. ]
Towards the end...I...
[ The words Kafka said to him, combined with the others replay in his head, alongside the memory of that intense agony in that place. An eternity, an eternity, an et- ]
...No, nevermind.
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[ Yuri looks concerned at him. Of course there would be more, but she doesn't want to push it if he really doesn't want to talk about it. ]
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...Towards the end, in that one last final assault against all of us; there were words, spoken by 'people' we know, into our minds. Twisted. Targeted. More agonizing than before. I suspect the others were granted words as well, but I imagine that they were aimed to try to shatter our spirit.
In the grand scheme of things, perhaps it matters little now that the mission is completed. Whatever the case, that is all.
[ With that, he just ends up sighing. He's exhausted. ]
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[ Yuri goes to get a small wet wipe to clean the blood off Blade's clothes... if he has any. She has gloves on, so she's doing her best to not share rust pain. ]
There's no shame in admitting it. That's what they were trying to do, after all.
... It broke mine when Alex told me that it wasn't wrong for her to want to live back then too.
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No shame...?
[ For a moment, he recalls again the memory of that agony that nearly killed him, but Yuri's confiding words about Alex finally gives him the edge for the final push. ]
...You too, then. Mine...
Kafka's voice was there, with the two others. They all asked if I remembered...the feeling of death. Telling me constantly to remember. Or if I would forget...once more. I would never know the release of An Eternity. A question about what it felt like to die.
It was maddening...this continuing talk about An Eternity and myself experiencing it. Those questions. Those statements.
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Just how much do you want to die, Blade? And how much do you want to live?
cw: suicidal ideation
[ Blade's gaze is distant as he speaks, staring out as he is wiped clean of blood. Why is she doing that? Why? Why did anyone help him?
...Why did he try so hard to move forward, in that place? He could have let it all end there and give up. There were so many dangers. He kept resisting to the end. Even when it made him look pathetic. He didn't care about where he died, about having that choice. But...
...at the second question, he struggles. ]
But...I...
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[ Yuri is still working on wiping him clean. ]
... I think it's true that you want to die, but you want to die on your own terms. So, until then... you'll keep living until you find it.
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[ It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. He's not the same. It's different for him. He doesn't care! He doesn't care!
The voices...they're still there. They won't disperse. He feels himself tremble. He wants to laugh. He wants to cry. He wants to scream.
The mental agony feels unbearable for a single moment so that he can't do any of those things. ]
...Not here. I don't want to.....not here.
[ Maybe Yuri is right. The admission that he gives burns like how he remembered the hole in his chest had. As if he has any right to choose where he wants to die. It's fine, it doesn't matter anymore. He's used to being taken apart, broken, humiliated, scorned, even by himself. The pain that follows will drown out this inconvenience. ]
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Rust be damned. Yuri has clothes on that covers all of her except her head, so she stops wiping the blood off for the moment and hugs Blade very tightly despite how much he trembles. She's also prepared for backlash for her actions. ]
... Just like me, you also have the right to choose.
[ She says very quietly. ]
So... don't let anyone take that away from you.
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[ Blade doesn't lash out at her, letting her hug him; the sensation strange and foreign, like the blurring of his gaze in front of him. Even in his patchwork memories, he never has let anyone done that to him, he's sure. Finally, he just breaks down, the weight of everything that's happened being too much to do otherwise.
He remembers once someone asking if he was a broken blade. Yes...that's what he is. ]
I'll...
[ Blade's eyes squeeze shut. Don't let anyone take that away from you.
It sounds like an order. But it's more of a plea, isn't it? He can't summon up the strength to respond. He feels himself slump a bit, eyes still closed, letting himself be held instead for a little longer. ]
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